some bathroom banter

i shall preface this post by stating that from time to time, strange and stranger things go through this brain of mine regarding everyday occurrences; i don't think i'm alone here, after all, it seems human nature to obtain some level of interest, if not analytical contemplation from most everything we do. few activities provoke such erratic lines of thought more consistently, at least for this blogger, than using the restroom. this may be because relieving myself is a 7-10 times a day proposition, i'm alone at the time and thus more prone to a wandering mind, or maybe (and most likely) because as a 25 year old male i still maintain there is a fair amount of hilarity to be gleaned from pee and pooh.
Exhibit A: Over the past few years i've been working on what i call the P.E.F. i hesitate to call it a game, as i am normally the only competitor, i guess it's more of a contest with myself and a good barometer of my familiarity with my bodily functions. P.E.F. of course stands for preemptive flush. the objective is simple, to flush the toilet at the earliest possible moment (it must be mid-stream) while still ensuring that once the full flush cycle is complete that there will be no visual remnant of a urination in the bowl. i originally started toying with the P.E.F. on occasions when i was in a hurry to get back to the event from which the restroom visit had taken me (typically a movie or sporting event). i knew i had stumbled upon something that would change the way i looked at going to the bathroom forever; there are so many more factors to consider now: have i been drinking my usual water or is this urination caffeine induced, to what degree is my stomach distended and how is said distention affecting the pressure (and subsequently a feeling of fullness) on my bladder...the list goes on. recently, i've thrown in an extra twist...turning on the bathroom faucet post-flush but pre-finish in hopes of reaching the perfect water temperature at just the right time (not recommended for novice P.E.F.ers). it should be noted here that i normally do not wash my hands afterwards (how does the punchline go...when i was growing up i was taught not to piss on my hands) but have started in the interest of the perfectly dove-tailed restroom experience.
Exhibit B: i love how in public places with more than one bathroom the proprietors always find it necessary to designate them as men's and women's. obviously i'm talking about the "single seaters" here, restrooms only made for one person at a time. the more i think about it, the less sense it makes to me. in residences throughout the known world men and women share the same facilities, why can't they do it at the local mini-mart? is a grown man or woman expected to wait for one room to become available while its architectural twin sits unoccupied right in front of them? breaking down and using public facilities is often a large enough struggle for many people without the added angst and pain of tens and tens of extra seconds waiting to shamefully stoop to such a level. i, for one, thumb my nose at such designations by sporadically entering the door marked with the skirted stick figure...mostly to make people aware that i am not supportive of such inane appropriations, but also for the priceless looks received upon exit.

he said what...

as somebody who keeps close tabs on the sporting world, i have been bombarded by a story this evening, the cause and effect of which spans much wider than the esoteric sporting niche. to summarize, phil jackson, the coach of the l.a. lakers referred to his team's game a few nights ago as a "brokeback mountain" game due to the large amount of penetrating and kicking out. phil has subsequently been raked across the coals (burning brightly with the flame of p.c.-ness) by the seven or eight columnists and other commentators who have broached the subject of the comments on a couple of espn shows.
it's quite true that i've stood firmly on the right side of the politically correct line that's been drawn through our society, but it's difficult for me to find in jackson's comments anything that defames the homosexual community; he could have easily substituted "porno" for "brokeback mountain" or for that matter, any other term that insinuates sexual activity. so far as i can see, he did nothing but identify the film as one that includes a few sexually charged scenes. i was unaware it was socially impossible to bring up the idea of homosexuality without some sort of slander intrinsically linked.
i can't determine which is more upsetting to me...the idea that somebody can be nationally lambasted for trying to bring a little color to the normally mundane post game interview process or the thought that all of the talking heads feel compelled to take such an assertive stance as to how wrong and tragic his comments were. jackson has since come out with a less than half-hearted public statement (which aired before the lakers game last night) during which he apologized to gays, texans and horses for any possible offense taken. as far as this blogger is concerned, the blatantly sarcastic tone of the apology is a proper response to all the issue taken.
for referential purposes, i am not as homophobic as i probably once was...i strongly feel that if a man wants to spend his life with another man he should be able to do so without catching any grief from me. it is still difficult for me to accept the idea of gay marriages as to me it represents the first step down a slippery slope of societal perversion, which is to say that i feel it is unnatural. further explanation will lead this posting down a long and winding road that for now i'm not quite up to sojourning. my how quickly benign blogs can transform into an entirely different monster. best wishes to all...

forever young

over the past several years it has become pretty clear to me that i've been repeatedly guilty of bottling up and repressing significant issues and thoughts i experience. while i don't think that blog posts are the best way for me to deal with said issues, i do feel that they may serve me well in a complementary manner to other venues of coping...this idea is galvanized by the fact that the 7 or 8 people that might pay attention to this site have nothing but my wellness at mind, as was reiterated to me this afternoon when i opened my email inbox to a sincere, heart softening message from someone i have respected from a distance for the past few years.
in one of the bob dylan songs that i find particularly poignant, bobby petitions us to always do for others, and let others do for us. i feel that in dealing with the things i deal with i've adopted an attitude of isolation, convincing myself that some of the emotional distresses i go through are unique to me. this demeanor has, in my estimation, hindered me from applying the latter part of bob's advice. in the past several months, through sharing and listening with/to others who have dealt with similar circumstances and struggles i have found immense encouragement. who would've thought, i'm not the center of the universe after all, nor am i the first to experience some of the feelings i do/have.
i recognize the idea of my opening up emotionally as a journey rather than a destination, which has both frightened and comforted me. i do know that as i have gradually removed myself from myself and the accompanying self centered-ness it has become so much easier for me to realize the magnificence of the grace, compassion and understanding that are exhibited when others do for me. along those same lines, i have gained an enhanced feeling of self-satisfaction and happiness when i try to do for others.
while i still find myself wallowing in the seemingly crumby hand i feel i've been dealt from time to time (i wish god played by the ace-no face rule), i certainly appreciate that it's taken everything i've been through to get me where i am today, and in keeping with the 60's lyrics, i've got to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time.

hail to our chief

as i was tuning in to a local cbs station in hopes of catching drew carey attempt to carry the torch of daytime gaming television that bobby barker left burning so brightly ( i actually recall my sweet mama packing me a lunch in my old school he-man lunchbox (i think made of tin?) complete with thermos, sitting on a blanket in the living room of the farm house and watching bob do what he does), i was disappointed to see instead our president standing at a pulpit explaining to a visibly exasperated reporter that this was indeed not his first rodeo.

from what i gather he was addressing the ongoing threat concerning north korea and iran...apart from that dubya has used the word proliferate 6 or 7 times. whenever he speaks, i can't help but think of a 10 or 11 year old kid that heard something new and neat at school and regurgitates it back to everybody new he runs into, just to make sure they know that he just learned one more neat thing. despite our president being very...texan...i like his demeanor when the cameras are on. he seems to generally speak with a level of candor and a cool confidence that i really feel a lot of people could easily appreciate after 8 years of slick willy. i just found it a little disconcerting that president clinton's facial expressions and demeanor in answering questions and addressing the country too closely resembled the look and mannerisms of my youngest brother when he was in the middle of explaining how he was just moving the cookies from the kitchen to the basement because it's cooler down there and he didn't want all the chocolate to melt.

believe me, i share the embarrassment when bush vows to uncover the "nucular" threats and stumbles in response to a reporter because he's trying to use one of those new 50 cent words. he is goofy, and though i'm not sure what a bumpkin is, i kind of think gwb is a big one. he smirks at his own dumb jokes...he seems to get easily perturbed and frustrated, which typically yields priceless seconds of mumbling bumbling and retracting previous statements. he commonly uses euphemisms that make no sense to people outside of texas and a few border cities in southern oklahoma. he can seem myopic and overly confident even pig headedly arrogant in responses. in light of all of this, he is my favorite president. (clinton and w. bush were, coincidentally, the only two presidents who i felt i knew enough about to actually include on my ballot.)

i find it difficult not to stand firmly behind w mostly because i believe in the military engagement in the middle east (i don't think war was ever actually declared). here i will state that i am definitely open to the possibility of skeezy ulterior motives and hidden dollars and all of that, but nonetheless my beliefs are in some concordance with the white house's action regarding the state of all things middle east, and that's good enough for me. i deem it a worth while venture, albeit costly in many aspects, for the largest world power to try to step in and clean up some of the mess left by sadaam insane and his fatally flawed governmental blueprint. i think women should be treated equally with men, i think families should be able to worship any god they wish in most any manner they wish. i think children should find themselves with diverse opportunities to lead productive, peaceful lives...people should be able to live the lives the want to lead. it is that simple insult to humanity seen prominently in communist china and even cuba and on a larger, more revolting scale throughout africa that has been fostered for centuries in the middle east.

these were just a few thoughts that came to mind while listening to our president speak, and they may seem oversimplified and even a bit ignorant or idealistic, but hey, what else would you expect 30 minutes of g.w. bush to proliferate into? man i hope the price is right is on tomorrow...

the good old one fingeredvictory salute...5 year olds everywhere are hysterical with laughter...

the future isn't what it used to be

with the full intention of making my experiences and dispositions more available to anyone interested, i've decided to delve into the realm of the blog. the bash was conceived expeditiously on a sunday afternoon void of steeler football and thus, anything outside the world wide web able to keep my attention for any amount of time. i had spent some time perusing cousins' blogs and decided to host the bash in large part to more pro-actively understand just what is going on in their lives, as they have been some of my favorite people for as long as i can remember. should things go well, perhaps more immediate family members such as brothers, sister and mother will join in.
of course...it is very possible that the return of meaningful football this coming week will drain me of further blogging steam...stay tuned